What do you do when you disagree with something that someone else has the power to decide on, but that decision impacts you?

Yep, this is part 2 of a journey into understanding Disagree and Commit; defined.

The first question I ask myself in these situations is…

Level of Disagreement

• Slightly Disagree
• Strongly Disagree
• Impossible to Disagree

If you fall into camp 1 or 2… great… we can work on disagree-and-commit! If you are in camp 3… there is only one decision… but that topic is deserving of its own note: Disagree and Commit; When you can’t commit.

Let’s explore what your options are when you are in a disagree-and-commit scenario…

Summary

More details

Disagree… What to do?

1. Nothing
2. Talk
3. Act

One of those three… That is all you can do… However, there are constructive and deconstructive ways to do all three of those:

BAD / Deconstructive

Nothing

= Let is stew… the shitty version of ❄️🎶 let it go 🎵❄️ .

This is the nursery where the seeds of unstated expectation are born, cultivated, and grow. Remember: “Unstated expectations are resentments waiting to happen”.

Not good… so you’ve got to at least talk about it right?

Talk

= Talking to further your personal agenda.

When you consistently discuss with those that are NOT the decision makers… what is your intent? Are you building a secret army to overturn the decision? Does it feel good to put others down to raise yourself up?

This is the epitome of negative politics. If the decision makers aren’t engaged directly in the conversations, there is only one logical conclusion… and it isn’t constructive. Morale is lowered… “me too” (again, not in a good way) is sewed… and hopelessness and resentment take hold. Where doing nothing is the breeding ground for resentment, gossiping is much worse… it is a delivery mechanism that allows resentment to SPREAD.

Act

= Sometimes folks just do things in opposition to the “law of the land”, and there is a word for this… insubordination. Constructive? Likely not.

But there are good ways for all of these:

GOOD:

Nothing

= Think Burr… “I’m not standing still… I’m lying in wait!!!”.

Often; doing nothing (yet), taking the time to think about the judgements we have, and processing them such that they become small/specific enough to be actionable [3] is the path to progress. When thinking is executed carefully, it inoculates us from the harmful fruit of the seeds of unstated expectations… resentment!

Talk

= It is about WHO the talking is being done with and HOW the talking is done.

How = Talking, where the intent is to deconstruct a judgement is honorable. Judgements are puzzles where only the communicator of the judgement has the key. They may need help deciphering it, and this is a healthy practice. Breaking the judgement into observations, feelings, unmet needs, and ideally requests spreads thinking instead of resentment.

Who = Talking to the decision maker, which requires psychological safety, is the way. Talking to anyone else… unless it is to hear folks out and help guide them towards something actionable (NVC as described above)… can lead to gossip cultures, and keeping wounds open.

I’m a verbal processor… so I get needing to take a judgement and talk it out with others. So go out and get your NVC on (framed as “I have a judgement… let’s decompose this into NVC”) and ideally with the decision makers directly!

Act

= Ultimately, if we want change to happen we must act.

The best thing, IMO, is to break issues into their most solvable sizes and use the Diverge<>Converge Game (best way to make decisions) to solve those issues one at a time and together!

But, AR3… What if we STRONGLY disagree!! How can we be genuine and not let things devolve into gossip, insubordination, or resentment?

This is tough!!! In this podcast episode the guest talks about “finding the nugget of understanding”. This is all about;

1. Having a shared understanding of the situation (context and goals)
2. Ensuring everyone is heard ( remember that the goal of leadership is not gathering consensus, but molding it A Leader is / is not (modified MLK quote) )
3. Making the decision clear

Writing out the disagree-and-commit is key. What are we trading by going one direction versus another? What is the talk track when folks ask us about the decision? Under what conditions will we reconsider the decision?

Bottom line is we must find ways to be genuine… state what’s on our minds… and do so in a way that leads to progress.

If no one is Disagree-and-Commiting either group think or resentment is breeding within your organization. Productive and frequent Disagree-and-Commiting is one of the healthiest signs of a good culture.

[1] Knowing what your level of Disagree is great… but ideally you are in an environment with enough psychological safety that you are able and willing to state the level of disagree to the decision maker

[2] I’ll never forget one time at an exec offsite where I was fighting hard for a change in direction. The issue we were facing was a fundamental principle to the business. We had a spirited discussion, and I made my “final argument”, and the CEO responded with… “one day, I sincerely look forward to seeing you start a business where that path can be taken”. PERIOD. I’ll never forget that moment. I am forever grateful to him for being so clear and truly sincere. We were at an impasse and I believe that statement was one of the very few paths forward where we could continue working together. Clear, genuine, and definite.

[3] Actionable = has two components. I’m a big believer in decomposition and sequencing (break big things into smaller more specific things which gives you a better chance to solve them/do them well) and non-violent communication (aka NVC is stating your intent, establish shared context, making observations, express your feelings, relay your unmet needs, and make your request) . But humans are naturally “judgement”-based creatures. So both those concepts are very hard and unnatural.