The only way out is through

Like everyone else, 2020 was a difficult year for me in life and work, as the pandemic upended many of the routines and habits I had come to depend on for stability and a sense of well-being. I began therapy, and some early advice my therapist gave me was that “you can’t go back to the way things were, the only way out is through.” I just now learned that this idea may go back at least as far at Dante’s Inferno and has shown up in poetry and music ever since. I see echoes of this idea in Marcus Aurelius’s “what stands in the way becomes the way” and If something hurts, do it more.

The Satir Change Model

The problem is not the problem. Coping is the problem.

This quote comes from family systems therapy Virginia Satir. I understand it to mean that, when you can’t make a problem go away, it is futile to wish that it would. Your task then becomes to find a way to effectively cope with the difficulty.

Satir is famous for her 5-stage model of change (similar to the Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief) which can be applied to individuals, families, and organizations:

1. The late status quo is the familiar, comfortable situation before change is introduced.
2. The introduction of some significant change (which she calls a “foreign element”) leads first to resistance. In systems thinking terms, the system’s equilibrium is destabilized and its balancing feedback loops attempt to restore stability.
3. If resistance fails, the system is thrown into chaos. While emotionally turbulent, this stage can be profoundly creative as the system or individual tries new approaches in order to regain stability. A change-agent can have particular leverage here, guiding the system through the change. Alternatively, the individual or organization can get stuck in this stage by clinging to old approaches that no longer work. Emergence from this stage required identifying what Satir calls “a transforming idea,” a new approach or mental model that allows the system to understand and cope with the change.
4. Integration is the process of experimenting with the transforming idea or behavior by putting it into practice. It’s a period of rapid learning, though not without setbacks. If you’ve identified the right transforming idea, things do get steadily better as you master the new behavior and coping with the change.
5. Ultimately, the individual or system regains a new equilibrium called the new status quo, and the cycle may begin again with the next introduction of a foreign element.

Further Reading

• Software consultant Dale Emery on the Satir Change Model: “Managing Yourself Through Change”