Only hurt people hurt people

Variously attributed, this is the idea that when people lash out, it’s because they themselves are hurting and incapable of communicating their need to stop hurting more usefully. Or more eloquently:

See all human behaviour as one of two things: either love, or a call for love. (Marianne Williamson)

Only hurt people hate people

Most people discover that when hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with their own pain. (James Baldwin)

“What happened to you?”

When others are hurtful, an easy reaction is to think “What’s wrong with them?” This is the fundamental attribution error, attributing to character in others the missteps we attribute to circumstance in ourselves. A more compassionate, productive question I’ve been training myself to ask instead of “What’s wrong with you?” is “What happened to you, to make you behave that way?” It primes me to imagine and empathize with the circumstances that gave rise to someone’s regrettable behavior. After all, when communicating with others, hurtful communication such as shaming them will only hurt them more, leading to more hurtful behavior on their part in a tragic reinforcing feedback loop.