toxic masculinity

Toxic masculinity refers to a limiting set of cultural norms that proscribe what men must and cannot be. Such norms include the expectation that men hide their emotions so as not to appear weak, that threats to one’s masculinity (and assumed heterosexuality) should be met with violence, and that men are entitled to a position of social dominance.

Patriarchal masculinity teaches men that their sense of self and identity, their reason for being, resides in their capacity to dominate others. (Feminism Is for Everybody: Passionate Politics by bell hooks)

As with much socialization, toxic masculinity is inculcated subtly and pervasively from a very young age. Influences may be direct, such as when my grandfather scolded me with a homophobic slur as a child for attempting to kiss him goodnight. But just as often it happens by children picking up on what of others’ behavior is encouraged (or misbehavior excused) by adults, like how the cliche “boys will be boys” is often used to excuse boys’ violence toward each other or unwanted sexual advances toward girls.

Toxic masculinity hurts men while permitting and encouraging them to hurt others

Only hurt people hurt people

As a Parent

A significant part of my adult development has been recognizing and unlearning many of these deeply-embedded norms, hopefully in time to avoid perpetuating them with my own children. But reflecting on the fact that my parents largely didn’t intend for me to be taught these norms, it’s not enough to just avoid perpetuating them. Kids will be frequently exposed to these norms and expectations through media, their peers, and other adults, so we have to teach them to recognize, question, and challenge them. Of course, I’m still learning what this looks like.